By Michael Phillips | CaBayNews
Sacramento, CA — In what experts are calling “a bold move in the evolution of progressive governance,” Governor Gavin Newsom announced yesterday that he has officially deployed a brand-new fighting force to “counteract the oppressive presence of the National Guard” in California.
The troops? Not Marines. Not soldiers. Not even the Boy Scouts.
No — Newsom has mobilized a force of freshly arrived, state-sponsored illegal immigrants, branded as the California People’s Progressive Peacekeepers (CPPP for short).
“These brave men and women came here for opportunity,” Newsom declared from behind a podium flanked with artisanal oat milk and designer hair gel. “And what greater opportunity is there than protecting Antifa’s constitutional right to set dumpsters ablaze in downtown Oakland?”
The Mission: Defend Chaos, Protect Flames
Sources confirm the new Migrant Militia will be tasked with guarding Antifa safe zones, ensuring graffiti artists aren’t harassed during “creative expression time,” and escorting looters safely back to their cars.
Uniforms will consist of Che Guevara T-shirts, skinny jeans, and reusable Whole Foods tote bags filled with Molotov cocktails “for emergencies only.”
To incentivize recruits, Newsom promised each fighter:
- Free electric scooters for combat transport.
- Unlimited avocado toast rations.
- A state-issued “progressive halo” that glows whenever they shout slogans like “Equity through Arson!” or “Tax the Middle Class Harder!”
“This Isn’t a Joke” — Actually, It Kind of Is
The Governor insists this army is not a joke, calling them “California’s frontline warriors against fascism — otherwise known as police officers, landlords, and anyone who disagrees with me on Twitter.”
Meanwhile, National Guard leaders expressed confusion. “We were told we’d be helping with wildfires,” said one bewildered officer, “but now we’re in a standoff with a guy in a Che shirt yelling that my uniform is ‘late-stage capitalism.’”
Antifa Responds: Five Stars
Antifa spokesperson “Comrade Kevin” praised the move:
“Finally, a governor who understands that the only way to save democracy is to smash Starbucks windows in the dead of night. Newsom is the Che Guevara of hair gel, and we salute him.”
The Future of Newsom’s Army
Rumors suggest Newsom is considering expanding the program by drafting out-of-work Hollywood actors to serve as “narrative directors” for street skirmishes, ensuring looting remains “cinematic and inclusive.”
One insider leaked the official motto of California’s Migrant Militia:
“Burn, Baby, Burn — For Equity!”
As fires lit up the night sky over San Francisco, Newsom smiled into the cameras. “This isn’t destruction,” he said. “This is progress.”
California Bay News 
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